Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.

“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook

*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*

“Oh no! My research!!”

[interview]

What is your greatest strength?

“Throwing my voice”

You’re hired!

“Ok great, thanks”

Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good

[Movie Theater]

Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.

Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.

with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”

im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus

GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me

ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place

The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.

Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?

Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth

Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot

Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then

I’m a people person.

Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.

I’m a pizza person.

Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?

“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.

– How was school?

4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions

– laughs
– oh honey

– nobody would name their kid Trenton

I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.

Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg

In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.

Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.

I onder hich one.

My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging

Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October

What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?

Asking for our friend, Siobhan.

The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.

I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.

A new cook asked the head chef what beer to use for boiling the brats and was told “the worst beer we have.”

But, why sir?

Chef: yes

Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.

My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.

This is bullshit.

Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings

It’s the weekend y’all

No good deed goes unposted on social media.