Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory

ugh fine

…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.

Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]

I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.

waiter: any questions?

me: did courtney kill kurt??

him: uh, about the menu?

me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu

Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic

Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code

Cop: what

Me: what

What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”

*gets into canoe*

Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!

*gets out of canoe*

me: please don’t be mad

getaway driver: what’s wrong

me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go

me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?

roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.

Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.

God: [making trees]

Trees: yay

God: [making beavers]

Trees: nonononono

[blind date]

HER: I’m a light eater

ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb

wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy

I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.

As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.

[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat

Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.

Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.

going to rock bottom do you guys need anything

Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*

Husband: Are you ok?

Me: Yes.

*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*

I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.

I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.

Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?

snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me

me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—

snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*

3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.

So the weekend is off to a great start.