There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
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me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
i think we should see other cousins
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Once on Rosh Hashanah when I was 14 or 15, I took a red potato & cut it perfectly to look like an apple slice, dipped it in honey & then gave it to my little sister. She has still not forgiven me or forgotten.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.