Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.

Siri, when does the restraining order expire?

“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”

– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want

Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?

the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson

[watching the avengers with my wife]

(scene where the hulk appears)

me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek

wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!

Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.

Sincerely, every parent everywhere.

She was rare, like a goth jogging

I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.

The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.

In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will

People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”

realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?

I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today

Cold.

I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!

Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting

Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…

…it’s just me, taking the stairs

accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off

*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!

So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”

How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.

The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.

Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.

I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.

Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.

A policeman stops a car…

Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”

Miner: “Mine.”

anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough

First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.