Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”

– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine

Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.

Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.

– at a ramen restaurant –

Me: slurp

Me: sluuurp

Me: slur-

Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet

Me: im practicing leave me alone

My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”

Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.

‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms

coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth

A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.

Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.

Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse

[Restaurant]

Date: I like guys who plan ahead

Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after

Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs

Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.

Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.

*never gets laid again*

Damn what did I do next

I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.

[ cookout ]

Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!

Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup

The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess

I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.

Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.

Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.

Not allowed near mannequins anymore

I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.

Me: we can all get along and live in unity

Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t

rest in peas

Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?

Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.

Garfield: I hate Mondays

Therapist: You don’t even have a job

The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.

If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel

Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆

DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.

*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.