There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
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Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
good work, detective
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
me hooking up with my ex
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
