Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes

I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.

words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic

*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*

Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.

Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*

Imperial officer: What’s the password?

Han: It’s “password.”

Vader: We should really change that.

Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.

—me flirting with a chemist

Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab

due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me

Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone

My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen

Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.

It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.

Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.

We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.

ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen

This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through

My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.

Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?

Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.

Kylo:

Leia:

Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?

I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.

Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.

FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?

ME: Nah, just one at a time

rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born

barista: *under breath* shit

For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.

“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…

*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.

“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”

*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*

“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”

The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.

I love reading newspaper websites. The screen refreshing on its own 3 times in quick succession, the text disappearing halfway down the article, a random video advert suddenly filling the screen, the whole page unexpectedly closing for no reason. Great experience.

*zoom meeting*

Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion

Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening

🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile

Am I romantic?

I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.

So, I don’t know.

You tell me.