There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
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I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I鈥檓 just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy鈥檚: show me the square cows
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn鈥檛 have any because I鈥檓 not an animal.
I鈥檓 at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i鈥檒l decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 馃檨 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can鈥檛 live in it but enough so my kids don鈥檛 get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.