Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.

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Just take a day off

Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.

My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.

I gave her money for her ticket.

The boy paid.

I did not get my money back.

I learned an important lesson about dating today.

That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.

genie: are you sure?

me: just do it

*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*

HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.

Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.

2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.

one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist

ME: Why are my eyes itchy?

WebMD: Eye bees

Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?

The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.

I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.

it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill

the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight

Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday

50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.

“What movie?” 🤔

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

‘But that means…’

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.

me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection

In the bathroom:

Me: *Meticulously manscapes*

Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”

You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.

Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.

Everybody okay?

I bet

the only bumper sticker ill allow

ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*

SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment

weaknesses

I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation

I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE

My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon