Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I need to buy a train ticket

employee: window or aisle

me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what

My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.

Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.

Tuesday

My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.

I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way

[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]

Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough

The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.

Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that

Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again

Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?

My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.

People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.

Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around

Me: I promise you I do not

If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?

My wife is pregnant and we met the doctor that said he would deliver our baby.

I told him that I would prefer our baby to still have his or her liver

Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce

Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see

Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party

Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??

I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie

[at home on video conference call]

Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.

*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*

never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around

Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.

[date]

HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?

ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.

What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?

One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.

Him: How was your day?

Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?

Him: *opens four bottles of wine*

Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.

*comes home drunk

*sleeps on floor