There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
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I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
thinking about my old neighbor that named their WiFi “your arms too short to box with god” and my other neighbor that named their WiFi “super long god boxing arms”
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Robots are now performing major surgeries, which means my dream of having the Fox NFL robot give me a prostate exam is closer than ever.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.
I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
why is Saturday over in 7 mins and Sunday in 4 minutes but Monday is 84 months long?
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.