There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
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Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
ME: I really think I could win Survivor!
ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.