“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
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Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.