Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?

[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sex

fibonacci: absolutely not

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.

Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine

Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.

[French restaurant]

DANIEL: Promise me, not again

MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?

[waiter comes]

D: Don-

M: [waves hand] Garcoff

the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials

I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.

wife: i wish you’d moan during sex

[later, whilst doing the sex]

me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese

Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around

I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.

awkward

[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.

[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*

Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?

I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.

been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊

beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat

Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*

My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch

Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.

It was a tampede.

Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.

doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job

Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.

Stop

Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me

I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.

English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.

Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?

Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.