Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.

my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg

Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.

Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.

Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.

“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.

Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount

I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.

Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.

There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos

I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’

I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.

GUY: *cuts me off in traffic

ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon

I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.

My parents: we have something to tell you

Me: ok

Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm

Me: Ya, muffin

Parents: well that didn’t actually happen

Me: oh no

Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers

I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”

me: how much for the funny smelling spray?

employee: perfume?

me: no, the whole bottle

Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.

The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.

You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.

I need to get some bricks…

I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.

Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.

ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.

The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?

[Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]

１９.９８

[very gently]

１９.９９

[ok, once more]
[deep breath]

３７.８３

GODDAMMIT

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that

Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive

Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.