“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
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Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
black phone good
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.
This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
I’ve got a mind like a computer. Not like as “in quick information processing,”…. but like as in goes to sleep after 5 min of inactivity.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments