“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
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[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Every haunted house movie:
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.