There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
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Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
I feel like people just come to the airport to cough
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼♀️
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me