There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
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A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
handsome & gretel
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
