Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other

Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.

Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*

“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”

Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.

My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.

i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that

“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower

If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it

My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.

I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.

As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.

[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?

Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.

“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”

– me, talking to the fridge

For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you

I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.

Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.

Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers

I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business

Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.

Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.

If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.

Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.

SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox

*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest

Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?

I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.