Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.

[Shark Tank]

INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?

ME: Yep

INVESTOR: And you call it the-

ME: The Bracho, yes

Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.

911: What’s your emergency?

I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!

911: Are you being tortured?

They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair

911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?

I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.

my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.

The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.

Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.

There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.

Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.

*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)

How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig

guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now

A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.

at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.

1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie

I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.

Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning

Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife

Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy

Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it

“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”

Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.

Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted

Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks

One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail

My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated

*wakes up in cremation oven*

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by

i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real

You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?