there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
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I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.