there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u

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I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.


My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning

*Starts to vacuum


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?


My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.


Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York


You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”

– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters


Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?

Walmart after hours
Walmart after dark

Almost anything…


Beer before liquor, never sicker.

Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.

Mexican food before wine, no 69.