@IvoryGazelle: there's no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
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@kylegotjokes: My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said "bless you" now she just staring at the bushes confused wondering who said that
@envydatropic: If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you *Puts on angry eyebrows*
@WetzelGeek: The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!