@IvoryGazelle

there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u

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@jnellbg

I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.

@envydatropic

My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning

*Starts to vacuum

@sixfootcandy

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?

@KalvinMacleod

My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.

@Fred_Delicious

Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York

@BlindChow

You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”

– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters

@TheBoydP

Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?

Walmart after hours
Walmart after dark

Almost anything…

@GrillinChillin9

Beer before liquor, never sicker.

Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.

Mexican food before wine, no 69.