There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
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What
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
[Responding to a text I got 4 months ago]:
Yeah sure what time
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Some people are so fake there lock screens don’t recognise them
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
🍂🕷️🍂
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
satan: not today, microsoft teams
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.