There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
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waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one
clerk: do you have a baby
me: would you accept cash instead
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
See..?
.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here