There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
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Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!