There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
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Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Put this video in the Louvre
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉