There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
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Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
“what’s it like having a sister?”
My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices