@badbanana

There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.

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@steve_jorbz

[my first day on the international space station]

*grinds pepper over food*

Oh.

Oh no.

@Jason_Horton

When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready

@TheAlexNevil

Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?

@ingmarbirdman

If you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my obsession with pointing out doors to people, well, there’s the door.

@Mardigroan

I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.

@jellybnbonanza

My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.

@ooforth

Want to watch a nerd have a melt down? Tell him that you just bought a android Ipad.

@xor

“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”

@murrman5

are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*

@mintchevette

Haven’t heard from my boyfriend in 3 days. Trying to start a prayer chain. He blocked me after I set up a wedding website so please RT.