There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.

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[my first day on the international space station]

*grinds pepper over food*


Oh no.


When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready


Me: Am I in trouble?
Me: I’m in trouble.
Me: Bad
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?


If you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my obsession with pointing out doors to people, well, there’s the door.


I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.


My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.


Want to watch a nerd have a melt down? Tell him that you just bought a android Ipad.


“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”


are you the girl who types everything said in court?
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*


Haven’t heard from my boyfriend in 3 days. Trying to start a prayer chain. He blocked me after I set up a wedding website so please RT.