There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
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Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
bias laundering edition
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.