There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
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i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”
Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping
Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.