There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
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My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
I had a weird smell once…
A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.
I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.
You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?
3 months. Three
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion
necessity is the mother of invention
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
bat life
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.