There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
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I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
I’m forming a Wham! cover band with 3 other bald guys called Hairless Whisper.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
it takes so much energy
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Look, all I’m saying is that it would be far more impressive to see someone turn lemonade into lemons
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
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I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.