There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
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Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Is this anything
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Mike is short for Micycle
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now