There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
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Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.