There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
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Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.