There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
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I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.