There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
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Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
i smell a pulitzer
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud
*opened popsicles
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything