There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
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– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!