There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
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I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it