There’s no such thing as Sasquatch
Those are just men who live with shedding cats
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I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Fiction has to make sense.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
How and why my FUR ROOM exists