There’s no such thing as Sasquatch
Those are just men who live with shedding cats
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honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
New comic up. “Ransom”
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.