There’s no such thing as Sasquatch
Those are just men who live with shedding cats
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If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
#dalle2
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)