Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.

If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.

I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.

Same kid, same.

I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.

ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..

APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable

Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.

I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.

Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?

I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.

Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.

Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.

[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.

3: I wuv you Mommy.

Me: I love you too!

3: Don’t talk to me.

[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy

If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.

Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”

*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.

ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked

The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.

Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.

Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child

Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed

Me: *turns on my cpap machine*

Her: Not like that

Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’

But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’

So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit

Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™

The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking

Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!

Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party

*after sex, in a British accent

“Please sir, may I have some more?”