Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another

everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no

I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them

Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.

My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.

I’ve joined a 12 step program.

Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.

Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers

Taxidermist: you’re fired

[me as a mechanic]

*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.

Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!

would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole

[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]

Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*

Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?

Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.

Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house

FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares

Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.

Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back

I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.

No more questions until my mom gets here

-Me to HR

i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined

I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.

me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.

dermatologist: drink more water.

me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin

*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*

gf: I wanna break up

*flops stomach out*

me: finally

*hits bong*

*abuses bong*

*bong calls bong protection agency*

*bong custody taken*

*bong put in foster home*

*bong misses old life*

When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.

The Times are rough.

These are so Plastic Man-core

My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.

8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?

Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.

8 year old: I know, but you do.

What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?

yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂