Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?

Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.

I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future

Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.

I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.

Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.

Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“

PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET

[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this

My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge

It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones

I had to show my contempt by grunting

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check

My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.

[First date]

Him: I love murder mysteries.

Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.

i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t

For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.

Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.

Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.

“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”

This is a funeral. Show some respect.

“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”

*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*

– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.

Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.

“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”

To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.

I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.

299 of them are Nestlé.

“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened

ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit

It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.

Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool