Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall

Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”

[World Cat Conference]

President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*

Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!

Me: Sounds like a plan.

I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.

*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*

If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.

Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.

Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.

Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”

When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.

To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.

I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.

If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.

*Drunk dials Mr. Clean

My house is soooooo dirty right now.

If you love someone, let them tweet.

me: I’m unable to stop making jokes

doctor: you can’t be serious

me: that’s right

I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.

I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.

cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED

If I wanted unnecessary pockets on my clothing I’d buy clothes made in the 1980s.

“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire

Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?

Me: what happens to our energy after we die?

Doctor: no, not like that

Me: do crabs think fish can fly?

Doctor: not like that either

Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?

Doctor: please stop

Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.

priest: you may now kiss the pride

me: excuse me?

priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*

”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar

Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird

Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted

I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.

Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?

exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time

I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”

Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.

(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”