There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
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goldfish mafia
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Feels
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.