@OhReallyRach

Theres no ‘u’ in family.
Look, what Im trying to tell you is that youre adopted.

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@barbhaynes

OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??

@DanMentos

“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*

@junejuly12

In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.

@steph_mcca

anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!

@platinum2000

“Get over yourself.”

*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog

@_iamalik

The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.

@mishacollins

This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”