“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
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Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
spicy snake
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE