Theres no ‘u’ in family.
Look, what Im trying to tell you is that youre adopted.

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Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.

Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.


“No Kanye, it’s called Coney Island.”
“Kanye Island.”
“Coney Island”
“Kanye Island.”
“Co… ney.”
“Kan… ye.”


When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.


This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.


Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you a really nice house to be miserable in.


St. Patrick’s Day may just be an excuse to drink, but then again so is Ireland.


Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.


Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.


who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes