Theres no ‘u’ in family.
Look, what Im trying to tell you is that youre adopted.

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OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??


“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
“Call a vet” *hangs up*


In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.


anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!


“Get over yourself.”

*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog


The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.


This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”