There’s no “u” in narcissist
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I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
May your day taste like creamy soup.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*