There’s no “u” in narcissist
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Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
In Canada they just call them geese
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.