There’s no “us” in nachos.
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I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
meow wolf is doing a brand partnership with our local version of chipotle and they’ve got a tie-dye tortilla for burritos so I ordered it, why not. I haven’t stopped laughing since I unwrapped it because it looks like it’s covered in mold
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas