Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
You Might Also Like
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
“Who am I?” – Descartes.
“Why am I?” – Camus.
“What am I?” – Chopped Liver.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000