One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
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Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Fidel Castro was alive?
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.