Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom

What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?

Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”

Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do

The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.

Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.

I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.

I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”

therapist: you are your own worst enemy

me: undefeated baby

genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you

3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?

Me: of course sweetie

3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?

Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!

3: what was your favourite part?

Me:

3:

Me:

3:

Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?

3: mine too yay!

Me: yay!

Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*

Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*

“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out

Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken

judge: i hold you in contempt

me: get in line, pal

My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.

My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.

First date:

Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick

me: the heart wants what the heart wants

heart: please stop drin-

me: whiskey it is

Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.

My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.

*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*

The Pasta:

RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”

I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.

The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.

i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still

Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.

After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “

[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*

I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.