Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?

if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell

GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.

hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.

Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!

Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!

I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!

I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “

If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.

A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.

I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”

I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”

If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.

I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”

me: it is lonely at the top.

therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’

The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.

[helping kid w/math]

What is 0.1 as a fraction?

“One tenth?”

Good, now what does 10% mean?

“Battery low, plug in your phone?”

Perfect

This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan

The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.

The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”

I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”

Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”

Me, “lol do you have a pen?”

Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.

A Short Story.

I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese

I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.

At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.

Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?

Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.

What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?

Batman had the bat signal.

If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.

BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*

ME: perfect, thanks

BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*

VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great

911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..

Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.