Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to

Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.

Friend: She really likes you.

Me: Oh yeah?

Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.

Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.

baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing

[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin

teacher: where is your assignment?

me: my dog ate it-

[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]

me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.

Glasses

My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.

Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.

I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.

Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!

Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger

I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.

Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!

My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*

Me- STOP IT

*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*

Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.

I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.

If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.

[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby

No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.

I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.

YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.

Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding

It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.

My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.

I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.

Toothpick use time frames:

30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it

60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth

90 seconds – Things are getting weird

120 seconds – Sexual predator

Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.

Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)

When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear

Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower

Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*