there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body
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I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Autocarrot sucks!
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical