there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body
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Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
😭😭😭😭
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Not sure it counts as gaslighting, but I’ve spent the past 40 years pronouncing “Orangutan” as “Orangutang” and I’m holding our entire education system responsible.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”