there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body
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If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
dead inside
I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Liquor store clerk: Do you need help?
Me: Yes but I decided to come here instead
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Can’t. Sorry…
As a recovering nice-aholic I have to abstain from that sort of thing.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again