there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body
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Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Me: Experts say a messy house is a sign of love and safety.
Husband: What experts?
Me: Experts.
Husband: But who?
Me: Me. I’m the experts.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
What do you hear?
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Be the unknown suspect that you want to see in the world
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger