there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body
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I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Meow
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”