Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.

*hands me a parachute*

(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!

~ Toddler selective hearing

I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too

There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.

Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.

I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me

Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.

A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.

My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”

If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.

I learned about self care from watching my cat.

my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.

Me: So you want to see other people?

Him: I’m just getting glasses!

Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.

texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus

My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”

But I just call a spayed a spayed.

I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.

I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.

You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals

DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now

Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.

Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-

Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.

Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.

*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”

*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”

The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened

this is how life feels

Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?

Me: Why would I want another empty glass?

[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on

Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.

Her: How old is he?

Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….