@Jandalize

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

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@MissNaughty1801

*on the phone
Him: where are you?!
Me: I’m just waiting for the train
Him: hurry up
Me:…no problem. I’ll be waiting faster

@AimeeHelene1

*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…

One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*

@WritePlay

T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?

TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?

RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING

@sad_tree

*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*

@roxiqt

DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts

ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady

@daemonic3

REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch

WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare

ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT

@itsa_talia

why would old man skeletor wait until the 3rd period of the final game to introduce new uniforms to the team you’re a stupid old man

@Darlainky

I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.

@CountGripsnatch

Me: I should stop drinking

Me: Why?

Me: I dunno

Me: You’re awesome when you drink

Me: Really?

Me: Yeah

Me: Thanks, me. You’re alright