“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
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*on the phone
Him: where are you?!
Me: I’m just waiting for the train
Him: hurry up
Me:…no problem. I’ll be waiting faster
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…
One year later…
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
why would old man skeletor wait until the 3rd period of the final game to introduce new uniforms to the team you’re a stupid old man
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Me: I should stop drinking
Me: I dunno
Me: You’re awesome when you drink
Me: Thanks, me. You’re alright