Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
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My mother always told me “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”…and some people wonder why I’m so quiet around them.
Wish I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard, “Actually sir, we have you on camera.”
I was up all night wondering, if you get fired at the Unemployment Office, do you just switch to the other side of the desk?
I literally have no clever commentary. This glorious monstrosity speaks for itself.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Mercury is in gatorade or whatever
IRON MAN: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*