There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
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I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.