There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
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Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.