There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
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What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.