There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
You Might Also Like
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
respect
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
first responders? you mean reply guys?
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday