There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
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Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
I told my vodka about you.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Hamburger Hinderer.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
meow