There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
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Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
One of my henchmen asked “ey boss what da heck does Hench mean” and I had to shoot him in front of the others. I looked up the etymology in my lair later and it was actually kinda interesting
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
So glad we cleared that up
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device