There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
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*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
I like to take long walks away from stupid people