There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
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Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
This hospital has everything
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
You can’t outrun your problems…
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.