“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
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4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
7yo: Ewwww. Why are you playing that music? The 90s are gross.
Also 7yo: Check out this new cool song I found from Nsync. It’s my favorite, and you are gonna love it, bro.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.