There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
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KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
so much to do
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.