Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.

Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley

Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.

My phone just told me my network was unstable.

Same, girl. Same.

Losing weight

Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried

Cons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried

I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.

Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers

10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”

Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-

Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!

Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”

Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”

Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.

Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”

Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”

Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”

You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?

[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu

Coworker: Are you doing anything after work?

Me: No I did things at work and now I’m done.

It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”

I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.

Me: please give my compliments to the chef

[later]

Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes

*downloading the new earthquake warning app*

*setting to vibrate mode*

Just parrot things

[Tattoo on nuts]

Caution: May contain people

I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington

To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.

My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.

Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.

I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…

If you want your dog to take a pill:

1. Get a piece of cheese

2. Eat the cheese for energy

3. Get ready to wrestle your dog

Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.

Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday

A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”